However this does not fit all folks for sure. Some folks have the abiltiy to adapt and learn and make decisions in life that improve their chances of success. The problem is that this takes work and accountabiltiy and many folks would rather just not do that.
If your marriage is your #1 priority then you would be more willing to invest effort into it. Many folks are flat just naive and it is not about them trying to be someone they are not. But indeed becoming a better you is I feel a worthy thing to pursue. Working to meet your spouses needs and to maintain their attraction is far from evil.
The other part that this plays is that many guys are way too passive and they are not doing their job in looking out for their spouse. Yes this takes a level of intimacy that many are not prepared to seek out.
The overwhelming majority of situations one faces when dealing with infidelity is NOT the spouse that just decides I am going to be a cheater. It is when they bond in an EA. The brain chemicals flow. The damage to the marriage happens during the inappropriate times when the people in the budding affair think they are just friends. The damage though is that they are bonding with others and the connection they have with their SO bleeds away. So by the time there may be actual unfaithful behavior and truly bad choices from the marriage perspective their relationship with their spouse is already damaged. This damage was not intentional but a result of naivete and poor boundaries.
Ok so either this is understood or it is not. Some folks just want to believe that if someone wants to cheat they will cheat and I feel they do themselves an incredible disservice because while this applies to some folks it does not apply to most folks and certainly not all folks. That said if someones spouse did just that then they are convinced this applies to all folks. Ok fine. I wish I could help those folks. In time they may have a broader view. BUT what I am saying is that Alpha / Beta aside, some men flat enable affairs and live in utter fear to act. They get called Beta. For good reason.
I think it would be irresponsible to not encourage men who are afraid to not assert their boundaries to not "man-up". To assume they cannot man-up is disengenuous and disrespectful. They come here for help. Saying you cannot adapt must feel like a warm cuddly blanket.
So I am very sorry that some folks just hate the Alpha / Beta stuff. I for one believe knowledge is power. I am a person who believes in self determination. I believe we all can adapt. We are as humans have the capacity to evolve and adapt. Those that cannot or refuse to adapt become cannon fodder. Am I just Alpha? I would argue that I have a very high amount of Beta traits for sure. I am just not passive.
So the example given here is that a marriage had a problem. A guy tried to man-up and it dod not work. As an Engineer I can tell you that only means that it did not work for this guy in this case. But if it only worked 10% of the time then I would say it is valid. I would go on to say that he waited too long.
I would also go on to say that while there are no garauntees in choosing a spouse that a man needs to know who he is marrying. IF she had a history of being turned on and partying with guys that are very different from you, you have to ask yourself is she settling for the good guy, the stable guy ... Is she trading sexual attraction for other qualities.
I end as I always do on Alpha / Beta. A quality man has a blend of ttraits. Life is dynamic. Darwinian. If you cannot adapt ... you will perish. YMMV.
If a spouse cheats it is 100% on them. However, if you enable them in a way that nurture EAs you are not doing what is in your marriages best interest.
I imagine some are seeking peace in their hearts and need to know they could not have done anything to rpevent their spouse from cheating. I get it. I feel for you and who knows. But I think that it is NOT just about cheating. Marriages are damaged by EAs and may not even be seen as the root cause of complete unhappiness, sexless marriages or eventual divorce.
His Needs Her Needs is what I would suggest as required reading if you care about your marriage enough to put in some pro-active effort. It covers boundaries. IF you cannot assert your boundaries then you, for your own benefit may need to do some soul searching as to why you are unable to stand up for yourself. Just giving up seems ... so very sad. Fight or flight.
The biggest thing that holds us back in life is FEAR. Have courage ... let it go.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It?s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; Today at 10:34 AM.
franchise tag lesotho a wrinkle in time benjamin netanyahu storm shelters nick lachey lifelock
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.